Human Pregnancy for Dummies
by nicnac918
Summary: All of which led to Betty looking down at her lower abdomen a little less than three months after arriving in the future – and roughly one thousand years and three months after she had last had sex, which was monstrously unfair – and noticing a distinct bump.


In Betty's defense, she and Simon hadn't been trying to get pregnant. They were planning on having children eventually, but not until after grad school, or at the very least until after the wedding. In fact, Betty had been on birth control before she'd jumped through the time portal, though she has obviously stopped taking it after she'd come to the future. She hadn't exactly had time to pack before her leap, and that kind of medication, or any kind of medication specifically for humans at all, was a little thin on the ground in Ooo. She'd had a brief notion of getting some sort of alternative, there at least had to be a magic option that wasn't species-specific, but she had dismissed it as unnecessary at the moment and most likely for the foreseeable future. In retrospect, that had clearly been a mistake. Betty had assumed, when she had time to think about it at all, her lack of period was due to coming off of birth control and being a little hormonally off-balance, not to mention the stress. All of which led to Betty looking down at her lower abdomen a little less than three months after arriving in the future – and roughly one thousand years and three months after she had last had sex, which was monstrously unfair – and noticing a distinct bump.

Technically, Betty didn't know she was pregnant for certain yet. Maybe she had been right about her hormones being out of whack and there was some other explanation for her little bump. It didn't seem likely, but it was possible; she couldn't just run down to the drug store to get a pregnancy test to check for the same reason she didn't have access to birth control anymore. Furthermore, none of the three doctors she had been to see at this point in an attempt to confirm her state had met her increasingly low standards.

"Humans don't lay eggs," an exasperated Betty said to Doctor Number Three.

"And which of us here is the expert?" the doctor asked. He was one of the slime people, and Betty really should have known better than to think this was a good idea. On the other hand, the other two humanoid doctors that she'd been to first had somehow been even worse than this guy, so maybe the whole thing was a lost cause.

"On humans? Me, apparently," Betty answered.

"If you want expert on humans so badly, then why don't you just go to a human doctor?" he said huffily.

"I would if there were any," Betty said. "You might not have noticed, but there aren't a lot of humans around."

"I don't mean a doctor who's human," the doctor replied, and now he sounded like the exasperated one. "I mean a doctor who treats humans. You should ask Finn the human who he sees."

"Finn the human," Betty repeated. The very fact that anyone would use that moniker proved Betty's point about there being almost no other humans, but honestly Betty was surprised that there was even one out there. She had met so many other people that she thought were human only to find out that they weren't that Betty had started to assume that she was the only one, except for Simon, if he could even still be considered human at this point.

"Yeah, you know that hero kid who's always running around doing hero stuff. I would have thought you'd two would be friends, what with you both being human."

That struck Betty as vaguely racist, but if there really was another human out there, getting a referral from him was probably a good idea. At the very least, whatever doctor Finn used wouldn't try to listen for her heartbeat in her foot. "I haven't met him before. Do you know where I could find him?"

"I'm pretty sure he and his brother live in a treehouse over near the Candy Kingdom," the doctor said.

"His brother? There's two other humans?" Betty asked.

"No, Jake's a dog," the doctor answered, his tone suggesting that that should be obvious. Maybe it should be, the longer Betty spent in Ooo, the weirder things seem to get.

She thanked the doctor for his help, then headed off toward the Candy Kingdom. As she went she continued to ask the people she encountered about Finn and Jake and where she might find them. By this Betty discovered two things. The first was that Doctor Number Three's surprise that Betty was unfamiliar with Finn and Jake wasn't solely based on vague racism. Finn and Jake, especially Finn, were celebrities for all the assorted heroics they performed around Ooo. When Betty considered it more, she thought that she maybe had heard of them before, just not as Finn _the human_. The second was that she had met them before, probably. She'd have to see them again to be certain, not the least because talking dogs were a lot more common than she might have previously supposed, but the hat Finn wore everywhere sounded the same as the one she recalled seeing on the boy she'd briefly encountered in Simon's ice palace. Betty had tried asking once about the plausibility of Finn and Jake hanging out there, and Hot Dog Princess had gone on such a long tirade about the Ice King and his despicable princess-kidnapping ways that Betty had had to shakily interrupt her, her arms unconsciously wrapped around her abdomen. Betty hadn't asked about it again.

Finally, three days after Doctor Number Three had given her the initial recommendation, Betty found herself outside of Finn and Jake's treehouse. Now all she had to do was go knock on the door and explain to a teenage boy that she was pregnant and was hoping he could refer her to a good OB/GYN. Yeah, that wasn't going to be the least bit awkward. Great.

Betty gave two sharp raps on the door. A minute later it opened to what at first appeared nothing. Then a voice cried, "I don't know you!" prompting Betty to look down just in time to see a little game-system-looking robot before the door slammed shut again on her face.

"I'm looking for Finn," Betty called a little uncertainly through the closed door. "I was told he lives here."

"Finn and Jake aren't here right now, and I'm not allowed to let strangers in when I'm home alone," the little robot called back.

"You're not alone, BMO; I'm here too," said a second voice. This one had a distinct computerized quality to it, even more so than the voice from the first robot – BMO.

"You don't count NEPTR," BMO said.

Betty cleared her throat. "If Finn isn't home right now, do you know when he'll be back?" Soon, she hoped.

"No," BMO said.

"Well, then do you know where I might be able to find him?"

"No," BMO said, again.

Betty considered her options, which didn't take long, primarily because she didn't really have a lot of them. "I'll just wait here for him to get back then," she said.

"Okay, but you have to wait outside because I'm home alone and NEPTR doesn't count," BMO said.

"I got it," said Betty.

"And don't be creepy while you're out there waiting."

Honestly, there was something a little inherently creepy about sitting outside someone's house for a long period of time that Betty didn't know she could really get around. Still, "I'll do my best," she called.

Betty turned around so she could lean her back against the door, and then slowly slid down to sit. The moment her butt hit the ground the button on her jeans, which had already been snug before the emergence of her little bump, popped open. Betty let out a deep and bitter sigh and thunked her head back against the hard wood of the door. "Okay, doctor or no, I'm calling it. I am officially one hundred percent definitely pregnant."

The door was yanked open so fast that Betty tumbled into the room behind it, barely managing to avoid completely cracking her head against the floor. When she got her bearings a few seconds later BMO was standing over her looking so excited that Betty was surprised that the little dots BMO had for eyes hadn't been replaced by stars. "You're pregnant?"

"That or I've been infected with the world's largest tapeworm," Betty said. The sad thing of it was, there was a small part of her that didn't know which of those two possibilities to hope for. She let out another exasperated breath and sat up. Betty attempted to button her pants closed, but the button immediately popped out again, and she groaned in frustration.

BMO giggled. "You are so funny new friend. Please come in! We will get you upstairs and relaxing in a nice comfy chair while I make some food for you and the little baby inside you."

"But BMO, I thought we weren't supposed to let strangers in," said NEPTR. Betty had been vaguely expecting NEPTR to look something like BMO, but it turned out he was a microwave. A microwave with wheels, a crude arm, and a face. And also a tin can on top of him for some reason.

"Don't be silly. This isn't a stranger, this is my new friend," BMO said.

"Oh, okay. Hello BMO's new friend. I am NEPTR." NEPTR swung his arm back and forth at her in an approximation of a wave.

"It's nice to meet you both. I'm Betty." Just then her stomach gave a loud rumble. She'd been trying to eat well, especially since she began to suspect that she might could possibly be probably was pregnant, but she didn't have a job and was more or less homeless, so that wasn't always easy. "You mentioned something about food?"

"Yes, come this way." BMO led Betty up a ladder out of the big, empty entry room up to what appeared to be the main living area. Betty was ensconced in a large armchair and then piled up with a ridiculous number of pillows and blankets. BMO kept fetching more and more until Betty made BMO stop, pointing out that there almost wasn't room for Betty in the chair anymore with all these pillows, and she didn't really need any blankets at all since it was the middle of a warm summer day.

Once BMO was completely assured of Betty's comfort, BMO went to make lunch while NEPTR – who must have climbed up the ladder too, though Betty couldn't fathom _how_ – kept Betty company. Lunch was ready relatively quickly, extremely quickly given how elaborate it was. It was also delicious which made up for the conversation BMO started up while Betty was eating. Not that she disliked BMO or NEPTR, but BMO had an intense fascination with every aspect of Betty's pregnancy that bordered on disturbing. BMO wanted to know every single detail of every single physical sensation Betty was experiencing relating to the pregnancy and how it was different than her normal. Betty tried to be accommodating out of appreciation for what BMO had done for her, but there wasn't that much to say to be honest. Betty had had a very easy time of it so far, which was probably another reason it took so long for her to figure out what was going on. She hadn't even had to deal with the classic morning sickness; her feet had started to get a bit swollen recently, but that was really it.

"Okay, my next question is a very big one," BMO said. BMO was now perched on a stool and was rubbing Betty's feet. BMO had insisted after Betty had mentioned the soreness she was dealing with, and the little robot was a surprisingly good foot massager. It was going a long way to eliminate any of the remaining discomfort Betty had been feeling over the personal nature of their topic of conversation. "Who is the father of your baby?"

And the discomfort was back. "That's a complicated question," Betty said.

"How is it complicated? Oh, do you mean it is complicated because there is no actual father because your pregnancy is the result of one of Princess Bubblegum's science experiments?" BMO asked.

"What? No, that's ridiculous," Betty answered.

"You're right; Princess Bubblegum would have never let you escape from the lab in that case. Oh! You mean you fell through a portal into the Ice King's fanfiction reality where you met the male version of yourself, and the two of you fell in love so you are the mother and the father of your baby," said BMO.

Betty took a few moments to parse that assertion, and still failed to get any sense out of it. "No, that's not what happened," she said eventually.

"You are making this tricky for me," BMO accused with good humor. Betty wasn't trying to make it tricky; in fact she didn't recall that she had invited BMO to guess at this at all. "I've got it! You are the beautiful princess of a distant exotic land. You were engaged to your most trusted knight and dearest companion, but on the night before your wedding, your grand visor enacted an evil plot to take over your kingdom. He threw your champion into the deepest darkest dungeon and tried to force you to marry him so he could claim the throne for himself. Luckily, the palace servants are loyal to you and helped you to sneak out, but even still you barely managed to escape with your life. Now you are here to request Finn and Jake's help to save your kingdom and rescue your true love and the father of your baby."

Betty was saved from having to respond to that because NEPTR said, "No BMO. That is the plot to Adventure Master 3: Arabian Nights."

"That doesn't mean it couldn't really happen," BMO said.

"Maybe so, but it didn't happen to me. My situation is complicated, but it's not… well, actually it is pretty over the top and ridiculous. Either way, I'd really rather not talk about it," Betty said.

"It doesn't matter who the father is anyway," NEPTR said. "Obviously Betty is here as an independent woman doing it for herself. You go girl."

Betty blinked in surprise. "Thank you. You're the nicest microwave I've ever met."

"I'm not a microwave," NEPTR said. "I am a Never-Ending Pie-Throwing Robot. NEPTR."

"You're the nicest pie-throwing robot I've ever met then."

The sound of a door opening and shutting echoed up from the first floor, followed by the noise of an animated conversation.

"Finn, Jake, you are home!" BMO said. "Come see who is here."

"BMO you better not have let any strangers in the house while we were gone." The owner of the voice emerged from the first floor as he spoke. That wasn't to say that he came climbing up the ladder; Jake had gotten down on all four feet and had Finn climb up on his back, then stretched his legs out until they were longer than the first floor was tall. From there Jake stepped onto the second floor one paw at a time, shortening each leg back to the appropriate length as he went.

"Hey, wait a second. Aren't you Betty?" Finn asked, sliding off of Jake's back as Jake stood up straight.

"No way dude; Betty's dead," Jake said.

"Obviously I'm not dead, given that I'm sitting right here," said Betty.

"Oh yeah, good point," Jake said. "But counterpoint… no I've got nothing. Congratulations on not being dead."

"Thanks," Betty said dryly.

"Hold up; you guys know my new good personal friend Betty?" BMO asked.

"Well sure," Finn said. "You know about her too, though I don't think you guys ever met. Jake and I only ever sort of met her the one time. She's Simon's – the Ice King's – fiancée."

BMO turned to Betty and Betty imagined she could see BMO going wide-eyed, despite the fact that BMO's eyes were still just little dots. Really, BMO was very good at that kind of thing. "Does that mean the baby's dad is who I think it is?"

Betty would like to be able to say yes, since there was only one logical conclusion that could be drawn from what BMO had just learned, but she had just sat through BMO's other guesses as who the father of Betty's baby was, and she was in no way confident that BMO's conclusion would actually be the logical one.

She ended up not having to answer at all because Jake immediately burst out with. "You're pregnant?"

"Almost certainly," Betty answered.

"Don't you think that's moving a little fast?" Jake asked.

"A little fast for what?" Betty said.

"Look, I get that the Ice King is totally banay-nays now and I don't blame you if you don't want to be a part of that any more. He's a different person than who you got engaged to. Still, it's only been a couple of months, that's kind of fast to be getting together with someone else and be having a baby with them."

"What," Betty said. "Even if we aren't really actively dating right now, Simon and I have not broken up and we aren't going to. And I'm certainly not having a baby with anyone else. I would never cheat Simon. Or anyone, actually."

"Oh yeah? Then how do you explain the bun in your oven?" Jake returned. Betty just stared at him, incredulous.

"Uh Jake? I think you're missing the obvious explanation here," Finn said.

"I'm not missing anything. I'm just deeply in denial over the idea that anyone could make a baby with the Ice King," Jake said.

Betty was about to get extremely offended, then it suddenly clicked in her mind what Jake was implying. "Oh, no. Simon and I have had se-" Betty cut herself off abruptly. She didn't know how old BMO and NEPTR were supposed to be, or if that even mattered since they were both robots, but Finn looked young enough that he might not have had the talk yet. Even if he had, Jake – who seemed to be the adult here – might not appreciate Betty blatantly talking about sex in front of him. Jake had obviously avoided it. "I was already pregnant when I jumped through the time portal," Betty said instead. "Though I didn't realize it until a little less than two weeks ago."

"You're talking about getting to tier fourteen, aren't you?" Finn said knowledgably. So obviously he had had the talk, though it sounded like the euphemisms had change a lot in the past thousand years. For once change didn't seem to mean gotten weird and crazy, but that might only be because it was hard to get weirder than the birds and bees and baseball.

"Yeah, and ain't nobody going to tier fourteen with Ice King," Jake said. Betty still didn't appreciate the insult to Simon, but she couldn't exactly argue. She certainly wasn't trying to get to "tier fourteen" with him the way he was now.

Jake turned to address Betty again. "So what did he say when you told him about the baby?"

"I haven't told him yet," Betty said. "Like I said, I hadn't figured out I might be pregnant until recently and I still haven't officially confirmed it yet. That's why I'm here, actually."

"You want us to help?" Finn asked. "I don't think we know anything about pregnancy besides what Lady went through, and rainicorn-dog pregnancies are probably different than human ones. Unless, BMO, do you have a pregnancy program?"

"No," BMO said. "Oh, wait… no, no I don't. Sorry."

"That's alright BMO, I wasn't expecting you to anyway," Betty said. "Actually, I was just hoping that Finn could tell me which doctor he goes to. I realize that they might not be an expert on pregnancy or anything, but I thought if they were used to treating you, then at least they wouldn't see I have red blood and immediately diagnose me with a dangerous surplus of iron in my system."

"I always use the hospital in the Candy Kingdom. Sometimes Doctor Ice Cream or Nurse Pound Cake treats me, but usually I see Doctor Princess," Finn said.

"Is Doctor Princess the person all the doctors picked to be their princess, or is she a princess who decided to become a doctor?" Betty asked. Because the former sounded promising, while the latter… still couldn't be any worse than the other doctors Betty had dealt with.

"Nah, she's just a doctor whose last name is Princess," Finn said.

Huh. That was probably okay then. "Could you give me directions to the hospital?" Betty asked.

"No way are we letting a pregnant woman walk all the way to the doctor's," Jake said.

"Yeah, that's like, against the hero code or something. We'll give you a ride," said Finn.

"I'm pregnant, not an invalid," Betty protested. On the other hand, her feet still were feeling a bit swollen. Besides, there was no reason not to take a ride if they were offering. "Okay, sure; that'd be great, thanks."

Betty, Finn, and Jake went back outside. There was no vehicle that they could be offering her a ride in immediately present, but before Betty could ask about it, Jake transformed himself into a car. Now there was a useful magical power. He morphed himself so that his body appeared to be sitting in the driver seat of the car and then threw the door open. "Everyone pile in."

"Bye you guys!" BMO called out from the window. "We'll see you later!"

"You better not let any strangers in the house while we're gone this time," Jake called back. "Or next time we go out we're getting you a babysitter."

"No! I don't need a babysitter; I'm not a baby," BMO said.

"Then you should be able to follow the rules," said Jake.

"I can," BMO replied earnestly.

Betty leaned over to speak to Finn in an undertone. "Is this just because of where my head is at, or is BMO a child that the two of you are taking care of?"

Finn shrugged. "Probably a little of both. Bye BMO, we love you!"

"I love you too," BMO said.

"And I love you too, creator," said NEPTR. "And you Jake, and Betty, and my currently unnamed little brother or sister."

Wait. What?


End file.
